1 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,000 Whose cat is that? 2 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:11,640 Who's eaten my mousse? 3 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,400 Now, take another one, Sammy. 4 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:17,880 I would, just in case. 5 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,720 You've already given me a pack of 12, Granny. 6 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,040 Yeah, they're only going for 36 hours, Mum. 7 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:25,040 They'll be fine. They're capable young men. 8 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,280 Sort of. Are they? Yeah. 9 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,280 That one's got his stuff in carrier bags. 10 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,440 Oh! Have you not got a backpack, Kai? 11 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,440 Ah, no. I've just got the cazzers. 12 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,160 Aw! Cazzers?! 13 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,680 I can't open the jar, by the way. Oh. 14 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,160 Oh, that's all right. Yeah. Thanks for trying. 15 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,280 OK, so, Sam... Mm-hm. ..if it does all go Pete Tong, 16 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,760 just keep heading downhill and you will eventually find water. 17 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,240 OK. What? Yep. 18 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,640 Don't tell them to drink water from the ground, Robin. 19 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,480 It'll be full of shit or frogs or whatever. 20 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:52,560 Don't do that, actually. 21 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,760 I've got two big bottles of Irn-Bru anyway. OK. 22 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:59,040 Exactly. Now stick to the Bru and shout for help. Yeah. 23 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,400 What? Shout for help, when? 24 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,880 When you need it. 25 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:06,440 If you need it. Right. Yeah. Scream, scream. 26 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,200 Oh, come on! Don't panic. It's only D of E. 27 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,920 He's not going to war. And he's 16 now. 28 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,200 We can trust him. Yeah. Thank you, Mum. 29 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,600 OK. That's the exact opposite of what you've been saying all week. 30 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,960 Right. Well, good luck at your nerd festival. 31 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,080 Oh! Did you still want to use my camera, Robin? 32 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,160 Oh! I do actually, yeah. Give it here. 33 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:27,800 OK, I got it. There he is. Hey! Hey! 34 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,520 Having a baby. Not with you, though, mate. 35 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:30,960 Yeah. I know, I'm not the dad. Yeah, well, don't. 36 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,080 OK. Goodbye forever. Aw! 37 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:36,600 Forever! Very funny. Very funny, Sam. 38 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,560 Listen, stay safe, all right? 39 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:39,920 Safety first! Yeah. 40 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,680 OK. Yes. I love you! 41 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,040 Just Sam, of course. 42 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,680 Bye, boys. Oh. Oh, his Pot Noodle's come out. 43 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,640 Has he dropped his bag. Yeah, he's... What are you doing, Rach? 44 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,080 He's lost his Wotsits. 45 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,280 Rach? 46 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,560 Ah! This one. 47 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:54,960 I'm already taking a bobble hat. 48 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:56,720 Yeah, but put this balaclava on top of that, 49 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,080 or probably underneath it, actually, given the bobble. 50 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,240 It's, like, 20 degrees out there. Yeah. 51 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:02,800 Mum! Big news, Mum! 52 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,960 Do we have any flares? Huh? 53 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,640 For Sam's D of E. 54 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,680 Well, he's not going to be wearing flares, surely. 55 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,200 No. To set off. Did you have any with your boat? 56 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,000 Uh, I don't... Why is he setting off flares? 57 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,080 He's not the Red Arrows. 58 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,160 He's not allowed his phone on a D of E 59 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,640 and, you know, it's in the wild at night, anything could happen. 60 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,680 This is central England, Rachel. There is no "wild". 61 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:23,320 Exactly. The worst that can happen 62 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,320 is that they get hit by a couple of golf balls, 63 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,160 or they eat in a Harvester. 64 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,520 Maybe you should wear the helmet in that case, 65 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,120 if they're going to be golf balls. What?! 66 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,200 I'm not walking around in a helmet like a toddler. 67 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,040 All right. What's your big news, Dad? 68 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,040 You said, "Big news." Huh? Oh, yeah. 69 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,000 Mum, I'm going to be a mentor, Mum! 70 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,160 What?! 71 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,880 What's that, Paul? 72 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,240 I'm going to be a mentor! 73 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,000 Oh! Yeah! What, like, half man-half horse? 74 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,160 Oh! No. That's a centaur. Yeah, yeah. 75 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:48,920 I'm not going to be one of them, obviously. 76 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:52,000 Uh, no, it's...it's like a, like a, like a role model. 77 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,840 A role model?! Yeah. You? Me. 78 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,320 Who for? The police. Yeah. 79 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,760 But you've only been there a few months. 80 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,120 Six months. Oh! Yeah. 81 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:01,640 So I guess they must be just really impressed with me! Right. 82 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:06,720 Oh! That's wonderful, Paul. I know, it is. Oh, I know, I know. 83 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,320 Yeah, yeah. No, it's an absolute boon, to be honest, Mum. 84 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,920 Yeah. Because I was really worried 85 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,640 that they weren't so happy with how things were going, so... 86 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,080 Really? Yeah. This is just so reassuring. 87 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,520 So, who are you mentoring, then? 88 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,400 Well, they buddied me up with this young officer called Lee. 89 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,160 Aw! Oh! Yeah, I know, I know. 90 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,800 He's, you know... 91 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,760 He's obviously underperforming and he needs my help, 92 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,920 so don't mention that to him when he comes over, 93 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:32,000 because he's bound to be anxious, the poor lad. 94 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,400 Is he coming here? Tomorrow. OK. Yeah, yeah. 95 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,920 So I just want to keep things super-duper chill, OK? 96 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,600 I don't want him to be too intimidated by me. 97 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,840 So... Hey, what's this? Banitsa. 98 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,960 It's Bulgaria's answer to the cheese toastie. 99 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,720 If the question is, 100 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,240 "Can you please ruin a cheese toastie?" 101 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,320 If he's got anxiety, I'm the one that should talk to him. 102 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,040 I'm trying to deal with that. Sort of. 103 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,400 You're worried I'm going to die 104 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,120 if I spend one night in Kempston Wood. 105 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:57,080 No. I'm worried that you might get lost or abducted. 106 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:00,560 "Abducted"? Who's going to abduct Sam? He's an absolute lug. 107 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:01,720 No offence. None taken. 108 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,120 And she won't let me go to Corfu in the summer with Kai? 109 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,760 Yeah. Rightly so. And you're taking his torch, too. 110 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,760 So you've been back to your Bulgarian quarry then, Robin? 111 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,440 Um, yeah. No, actually, I've sold the quarry. 112 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,440 It's full of dogs. Yeah. So, um... 113 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,320 No, I've bought a cooling tower now instead, 114 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,400 so I was checking that out. I wasn't. 115 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,160 No, Chez can't fly when she's just pregnant, in case her legs swell up. 116 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,560 Also, Sue, I got you something from the airport. 117 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,320 Oh! Eh up! 118 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:31,120 Oh, here we go. Hey-hey! Oh, you remembered! 119 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,320 Oh! Gross! You and your gherks! 120 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,680 Eugh! You don't have to eat them. 121 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,800 And Bulgarian gherkins are insane. 122 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,680 Honestly, those people can pickle. Can they? Yeah. 123 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,200 Why is it so stiff, Robin? 124 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,320 Oh, ho-ho! Don't. I wasn't going to. 125 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,320 You were going to. That's exactly what you were going to. 126 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,640 I was going to, yeah. Well, I can't open it. 127 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,960 It's as stiff as a guardsman. What?! Let me try. 128 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,360 Never heard that expression before in my life. 129 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,960 I'm absolutely gagging for a holiday, to be honest. 130 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,560 Somewhere like Corfu 131 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,560 or even Bulgaria would do. 132 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,200 What you need to do is you need 133 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,680 to twist the bottom as well as the top. Yeah. All right. 134 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,080 You don't need to mentor me on how to open jars, Dad. 135 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,280 Well, you say that and yet the lid's still on. 136 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:11,600 Ugh! Right. I'm going to go prep for my sesh. 137 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,680 Where's that book of quotes, guys? I don't know. 138 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,040 You can still have a holiday, Cherry, but within the UK, 139 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:19,760 you know, a staycation. Yeah. 140 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,920 Oh, grow up! No? That's not a holiday. 141 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,000 What, going to a different branch of WH Smiths 142 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,520 somewhere else it's also raining? 143 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,720 OK. No, no, I want a change of scene. 144 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,960 I'm talking coconuts, flowy dresses. 145 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,360 Do you know what I mean? 146 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,160 Come to LARP Quest with me next weekend then, 147 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:35,560 babe, you sort of have to wear a flowy dress 148 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:36,800 if you're going as a human woman. Mm. 149 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,560 Stop suggesting that, Robin. 150 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,760 I do not want to play dress-up and talk about the bloody Hobbit. 151 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,880 You would absolutely love me in my Selwyn LARP cosy. 152 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,560 I swear. I'll be your knight in shining armour. 153 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,280 Plastic armour. It'll shine. 154 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,040 You buff anything hard enough and it'll shine. 155 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,120 Fact! And I've got a big sword. 156 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,520 Oh, my God! 157 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,560 I do like a sword. Yeah, well, this baby is the scourge 158 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,440 of LARP Quest. Larp, what, Robin? What's that? 159 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:01,800 Yeah. LARP Quest, Sue. 160 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,360 So, it's a historical / fantasy thing, 161 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:05,480 like live-action role play 162 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,080 where everyone goes as different factions. 163 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,080 So human, goblinoid, elvish, dwarf, etc. 164 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,480 Oh, you can go as Elvis! Oh, how funny! 165 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,600 No, Elvish, Granny. As in elves. 166 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,480 Yeah, I can't do that. 167 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,000 Right. Move over, Rover. Let Robin take over. 168 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:22,680 He Man. See? And you're Winalot after the dog food, 169 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,840 are you, Robin? Yeah, exactly. No. What? 170 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:28,680 No. It's like Lancelot, but Win-a-lot, because I win a lot. 171 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,360 Oh, dear. I forgot about the dog food, actually. 172 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,160 So, it's like Dungeons and Dragons, basically. 173 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,240 Yeah. Live action. Yeah. Aargh! So we're talking sword fights, 174 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,240 mead. It is the absolute bomb. Oh, that is as stiff as a duck's ass. 175 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,560 I'm sorry. 176 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,400 Maybe I should invite Maya to that instead. 177 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,680 I mean, it's not exactly Glasto, but at least it's a festival. 178 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:45,920 Oh. Did you not get tickets? 179 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,280 No. I slept through the alarm. 180 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:50,240 Oh, God! I missed it. She's in a bit of a mood with me. 181 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,680 Well, yeah. Do you know what? Why don't we all go? 182 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,600 No! No, no. Sorry, 183 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,160 but I can't be around people that nerdy. 184 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:59,000 It makes me so angry. Thank you. Sorry. All right. Oh, God! 185 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,040 Somebody, one of us must be able to open this jar, surely! 186 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:06,000 It's like the sword in the stone, isn't it? 187 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,360 Not really. I'll get Kay's new boyfriend's over. 188 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,640 Yeah, yeah, he's well strong. Oh! 189 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,240 He can tow a car. 190 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,960 With another car? No, no, no, with his hands. 191 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,640 I think. Right? I mean, he is a mechanic. 192 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,280 He can. He can. 193 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,400 "If you can dream it, you can do it." 194 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:26,200 Walt Disney. 195 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,000 OK, well, I can dream 196 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,120 that I can open this jar, 197 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,600 but I can't do it. So that's not true, is it? 198 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,840 Yeah. "Failure is success in progress." 199 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,840 Einstein. 200 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,920 I might print some of these out, actually, for Lee. 201 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,840 OK, but, well, putting out other people's quotes 202 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,520 is not mentoring, Paul, that's Instagram. 203 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,200 That's very different. Yeah. 204 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,000 "You've got to give something back. 205 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,280 "You can't just sit there." 206 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,840 Prince Harry. 207 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,120 Amen. Completely agree, mate. 208 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,480 "Trust plus preparation equals bull's-eye." 209 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,600 Sam? Uh-huh. 210 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,160 Why are you wearing that? 211 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,320 What? Oh, it's for my mentoring. 212 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,800 Yeah, I want to look approachable and clever. 213 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,120 Right. Well, you look like Kevin McCloud. 214 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,320 Great. And I got that scarf out for Sam's D of E. 215 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,360 Yeah, I'm not taking it, or that giant first aid kit. Well... 216 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,560 DOORBELL RINGS Doorbell! 217 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,600 That's him, that's him, that's Lee! 218 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,480 Everyone just give him some space, OK, guys. 219 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,560 It's not that big, Sam. Mum, it's enormous. 220 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,480 It'd be easier to put a doctor on his bag. 221 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,160 Exactly. I can't do that. OK, Lee. 222 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,800 Thanks for coming, champ. 223 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,920 You OK, bud? Yeah. Fine, thanks. I'm sorry I'm late. 224 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:36,800 I got a bit lost. Well, not any more. Not when I'm around. 225 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:37,880 Hi. 226 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,440 This is Sam. You don't mind if my son films the sesh, 227 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,720 do you, bud? Uh, no. No. Whatever you want. 228 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:45,800 Great. 229 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,960 Everyone, this is Lee. 230 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,400 Hi, Lee. 231 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,560 Hi. Yeah, we're just going to go next door, so... 232 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:58,280 Would you like a cup of tea, Lee, or a casserole? 233 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,240 Uh, no, I don't think. 234 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,600 Oh, but I would have a gherkin if one's going. 235 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,360 Oh, well. If you can open it, you can. 236 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,600 Yeah. Good luck. It's impossible. Oh, no. 237 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,400 Oh, go for it, Lee. It's really hard. Oh. 238 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,280 No. Stiff as a guardsman, isn't it? 239 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,000 Yeah, that's what I said. 240 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:20,000 I need to wee. Of course you do. 241 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,520 It's just out there on the right, champ. OK. 242 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,200 Just there. Go get 'em. Oh... 243 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,520 Yeah. Oh! Yeah, watch the... 244 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,200 Watch the...door. OK? Yeah. 245 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,920 Don't set Lee a physical challenge as soon as he comes in, Mum. 246 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,440 He asked for a gherkin. 247 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,400 How's that going to build his confidence, 248 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,840 failing to open a jar? Jeez Louise! 249 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,560 Does he always wear the helmet? RACHEL LAUGHS 250 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,240 No! I mean, I think he cycled here. I mean... 251 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,400 I mean, surely not. He can't... 252 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,120 Don't laugh at Lee! That's... 253 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,600 This is why he needs my help, OK? 254 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,400 In fact, can you just...? Shh-shh! Yes? 255 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,760 Can you just stall him while, um...? Rachel. 256 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,680 Lee? Yeah? I'm just...I'm just going to finish up next door. 257 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,360 OK, champ? OK. OK, bud. 258 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,400 THEY LAUGH 259 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,480 Oh, sh, sh. He's coming. 260 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,160 Oh...bugger. 261 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,520 Aw, hey, Lee. How are you doing? 262 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,600 Ah, God, I got some on my trouser. 263 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,760 Oh, that's all right. That can happen to anyone. 264 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,400 Men, mainly. Mm. 265 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,720 So, is this your first time? 266 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,280 Yeah, no. Well, never been a mentor before. Ah. 267 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,520 But I was the youngest ever Akela. 268 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,360 for the 78th Bedford Cub Scout group, 269 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,360 so it's safe to say I know a thing or two about leadership. Oh... 270 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:31,760 Hang on. 271 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,680 So, you're the mentor? 272 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,440 Yeah. Why? 273 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,920 OK, so before we get into it, champ, 274 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:41,120 I just want to make a couple of things super clear. Paul. OK? 275 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,120 Number one, you're amazing. 276 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,680 Can I...? Don't you dare doubt that. 277 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:49,000 OK? Number two, I'm just a guy. I'm just a guy. 278 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,360 Dad... Number three... Shush, Amy. ..the future begins today. 279 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,600 That's true, but... Change is possible. 280 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,360 Number four. Always listen to Paul. 281 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,440 Dad, Lee's the mentor. 282 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,040 He's mentoring you. 283 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,240 Well... Mm. I mean, no. That... 284 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,200 What? Mm. Yeah. Yeah. 285 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,040 But you're... How old are you? 286 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,600 I'm 24. 287 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,040 Exactly. So... 288 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,360 I'll check the email. Check the email. 289 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:22,480 Well, well, well, look who decided to come along after all. 290 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:25,080 There were a lot of last-minute tickets available, weirdly. 291 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,440 It's just not a cohesive costume, though, is it, Mum? 292 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,880 You've got your cheapo Viking helmet, slung on your furs, 293 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,480 and you're wearing moon boots! 294 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,680 Yeah, what about you? You've got trainers on. 295 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,640 Yeah, and what's with the jar of gherkins? 296 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,520 Is that a Viking thing as well? No, no. No, that's... 297 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:42,360 I'm just hoping I'll bump into a big orc who can help me open them. 298 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,200 Orcs? 299 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,280 Will there be orcs, Robin? And the rest! 300 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,080 Orcs, pixies, trolls - you name it, babe. 301 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,480 Turns out the Pixies aren't doing Glastonbury this year. 302 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,880 What? Right! Yeah, you see? 303 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,360 This is even better than Glasto. In a way. 304 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,440 Everyone keep an eye out for Lee, all right? 305 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,840 He's going in circles. No, you can't have phones in there, Rach. 306 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,760 No, I know, I know, it's just... It's Sam. 307 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,960 What? What do you mean? He's going in cir... 308 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,440 I put a tracking tile in his bag. 309 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,360 Ah. Rach, you did...? 310 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,920 Ah. I mean, well done, but that's terrible! 311 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,800 Oh, my God, Mum! Does he know? 312 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,200 No, but in my defence, he's only 16, 313 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,440 and he didn't take any of the survival stuff that I got him, 314 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,440 so you know... Fair enough. Paul! 315 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,960 Oh, hey, Lee. 316 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,840 I love this little dwarf costume. 317 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,480 Oh, no, I'm not a dwarf. I'm just 5'4". 318 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,560 But, no, I am an archer. Yeah! 319 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,520 Yeah, but, er...you said "Lee". Huh? 320 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:31,880 Don't say Lee - it's Night Claw when I'm here. Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry. 321 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:35,360 Yeah, yeah. Er, this is Paul. I'm his mentor. Yep. 322 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,240 Er, everyone, this is Merlin. Merlin is a seer. 323 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,600 Slash LARPing legend. 324 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:43,800 Ooh! The princess is with child! My child. 325 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,360 I am, yeah. 326 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,440 You don't need to be a seer to see that. 327 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,280 She's nine months pregnant. 328 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,720 Merlin takes it very seriously. OK, sorry. 329 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,560 Yes, I do. Quite right. 330 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:56,120 So where's the undead faction? 331 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:59,000 They're all over by the bins, learning "the walk". 332 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,000 Oh, there's a walk? Yeah. Great. 333 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,720 Where do we go, Night Claw? 334 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,520 Humans, elves, go grab yourself a burger, top up on mead. 335 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,160 I'm an elf. Fantastic! Mead hall! 336 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,880 Er, Paul? Yes? Why don't you stick with me? 337 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,400 I am going to make you my squire. 338 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,120 "Squire"? 339 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,400 Yeah. OK. Yeah, the thing is, Lee. Nightwalk... Horse... 340 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,000 Um... Night Claw. 341 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,760 I did want to be an archer. 342 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,240 You know? I was an Olympic archer, I got the bow, 343 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,240 and I was thinking, for a name... 344 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,320 Yeah. ..Arrow Man! Er, Squire Paul? Yes? 345 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,200 Fill my horn. Yes, my liege. 346 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,400 What with? Mead. Mead? 347 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,280 No phones inside. Put it away. 348 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,040 I did tell her, Night Claw. I'm sorry. Sorry. 349 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,680 Oh, look. There they are. 350 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,480 It's quite a good walk, actually, innit? 351 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,440 You're on the high street alone. Mm-hm. 352 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,000 A ten-year-old girl comes up to you, 353 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,040 tells you she's being followed by a man with a gun. Mm. 354 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,040 What do you do? Um... 355 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,840 Tail the suspect. 356 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,080 Um, search for, um... 357 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,760 ..small firearms weapons. 358 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,960 He's-he's not holding anything. OK, check the... 359 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,040 Check for bulges, then, in his jacket 360 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,800 or in his groin zone. He's moving towards his car now. 361 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,000 OK, well, then I ask him to halt. He's getting away. 362 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,320 Well, in that case... Quickly! 363 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,080 Er, Taser, Taser, Taser! 364 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,520 Call...for...backup! 365 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,680 Call for backup. All right. 366 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,600 We can't Taser people 367 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,960 based on one unverified report 368 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,000 from a child. 369 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,040 All right. 370 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:27,840 Being a police officer is all about fellowship, hmm? 371 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,240 Do you think Frodo would have gotten the ring to Mount Doom 372 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,920 if it wasn't for the Fellowship? 373 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,920 No way. No... 374 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,160 He'd have barely made it out of the Mines of Moria. 375 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:38,960 M-Moron. 376 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,440 Have you even read it yet? 377 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,440 Oh, I will. 378 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,800 I will. It's just very long, innit? 379 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,040 Sam, I got you something. 380 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,080 If it's for my D of E, I'm not taking it. Mm. 381 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:54,440 What is it? It's a survival shovel. It's essential. 382 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,120 "Essential"? What does it even do? 383 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,440 Well, to be honest, I'm not sure, 384 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,040 but it clearly helps you survive, or they wouldn't call it that. 385 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,000 Mum, just please stop doing this, Mum. OK. You've got to trust me. 386 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,120 I do, I do. Well, maybe... DOORBELL 387 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,360 ..just take the survival blanket? 388 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:08,800 No? 389 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,640 Doorbell, someone! No? 390 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,640 Two minutes, OK, Paul? Yeah, yeah. 391 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,760 I'll get it. 392 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,560 Oh, hi, Robin. What's...? Heya. 393 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,840 Yeah, I got myself a specialist for Operation Gherkin Escape. 394 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:21,600 I got him, Sue! He's here! I hope you're hungry! 395 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,680 Oh! RACHEL GIGGLES 396 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,160 Yes! Oh, well done, Robin. Yes! What's going on? 397 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,800 This is Marcin. He's Kay's new boyfriend. 398 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,880 And, crucially, stacked. Yeah. 399 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,400 Where is jar? 400 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,800 Um, it's this one, Martin. 401 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:36,960 Marcin. 402 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,320 MARCIN GRUNTS 403 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,720 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh... 404 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,480 Yeah. 405 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,240 Are you finished? No! He's gone for another wee. 406 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,080 How's it going, Paul? It's a waste of time, Mum. 407 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,000 He's mainly summarising segments from the Lord of the rings. 408 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,920 He's 24. 409 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,800 I should be mentoring him, really. 410 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,160 It's tight. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We know it's tight. 411 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:58,640 It's tight all right. Can you not just opt out, Paulo? 412 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,800 Bit of the old "Up yours, Delors," no? 413 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,560 No. No, I'm being assessed. 414 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:03,760 He's assessing me. 415 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,720 I need him to give me a good write-up. 416 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,640 MARCIN STRAINS Yeah. 417 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,800 It's too tight. Ah, well, thanks for trying. 418 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,760 Yeah, what a great effort. Fantastic to watch. 419 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,840 Goodbye. Yep, bye. Cheers, Marcin. Bye, Martin. Nice try, mate. 420 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,800 Aww. Well, he seemed nice. 421 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,160 Did he? Don't feel like I got to know him, really. 422 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,720 Wow. RACHEL LAUGHS 423 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:26,840 Yeah? Why "wow"? 424 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,240 He didn't open it. 425 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,120 TOILET FLUSHES Mm... 426 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,480 Righty-o, then, Paul. Shall we...? 427 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:34,680 Ooh! Sir Winalot? 428 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,680 Er... Er... Night Claw?! ROBIN LAUGHS 429 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,520 I didn't recognise you without the black cape. 430 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:40,960 Oh, well met, cousin. Brother! 431 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,800 THEY LAUGH 432 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,000 You two know each other? Yeah, of course. 433 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,320 Everyone knows Sir Winalot. 434 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,160 He is the bloodiest blade in the Three Kingdoms. 435 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,240 Indeed I am, yes. 436 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,480 We've rubbed scabbards at quite a few LARP festivals now. 437 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,240 You're hitting Kempston Wood this weekend, or...? 438 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,800 Don't be a knave. Bought a new drinking horn, especially. Yeah! 439 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,760 I'm helping organise it. Oh, that is lit! 440 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,400 What's your real name, sorry, Night Claw? 441 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:00,720 Er, Lee Smithard. Robin Hankey. 442 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,320 The LARP quest thing is at Kempston Wood? It is indeed, milady. 443 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:05,800 Where the kingdom of men 444 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,200 will finally vanquish those forces of darkness. Yeah! 445 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,480 Why do you wear a cape? 446 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,520 Er, great question. So I'm a scout, 447 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,640 so I patrol the woodland after nightfall, 448 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,560 searching for enemy spies, invaders - that sort of thing. 449 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,520 He found my wallet last time. I did, yeah! 450 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,640 Although that had a GPS tracking tile in it, to be fair. 451 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,160 I would have found it anyway. GPS tile? W-What's that? 452 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,960 So hang on. So hang on. Are you Paul's mentor? 453 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,080 That's right, yeah. 454 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,080 And I've got my work cut out with this one. 455 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,520 ROBIN LAUGHS Oi! 456 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,080 Oh, my God, Paul! 457 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,640 That's what we should do. What? Well, LARPing - 458 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,160 it's taught me so much about teamwork and fellowship. 459 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,720 - Completely. - Oh, no... 460 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,320 Oh, it'll be so good for you. 461 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,280 And actually, as your mentor, I'm going to have to insist. 462 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,880 I completely agree with Lee, Paulo. 463 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,640 Honestly, I was an absolute goon before I started LARPing. 464 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,520 Exactly. Well, yeah, hang on. You can't insist, Lee. All right? 465 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,480 You're my mentor. You're not my dad. What? 466 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,160 And anyway, er... Rachel and I are busy this weekend. Right, Rach? 467 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,560 No, no, we can absolutely go if you want. 468 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,480 I don't want. Well... I don't. Yeah, we can. 469 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,760 And you don't want to go LARPing, do you? Yeah, yeah. Really? 470 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,440 Actually, um, if your boy would film it, 471 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,040 that'd be really handy for me, because I'm trying to put together 472 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,560 an online trailer for the next one. Ooh! 473 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,320 I can't, sorry. I'll be on my D of E. 474 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:14,800 Also in Kempston Woods. 475 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,160 Which is the same reason Mum suddenly wants to come... 476 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,640 No, it's not. ..so she can keep tabs on me. 477 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,760 No, it's not. I've just... 478 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,240 And it won't work. The wood's massive. 479 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:22,360 I've changed my mind. 480 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,280 It sounds like an educational and imaginative wonderland. 481 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,800 Yeah, and I can film it, Night Claw. 482 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,960 If, you know, Sam lends me the camera. 483 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,640 Er...yeah. Go on, then. 484 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,640 I was only going to take my GoPro for D of E anyway. 485 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:36,360 - Yes! Let's go, Team LARP! Ho-ho! - No, really?! 486 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,320 Oh, how exciting! 487 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,280 I'm going to go as Priscilla Presley. Ahh! 488 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,960 It's got nothing to do with Elvis, Mum! 489 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,240 - She hasn't understood it. - Oh. 490 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,240 This is definitely the wrong way. 491 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,560 SHEEP BLEAT 492 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,200 Er, which way is it? There's sheep. 493 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,720 Are they meant to be sheep? 494 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,040 Yeah, I don't know. 495 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,120 Oi! Argh! Oof! 496 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,680 THEY PANT 497 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,360 Argh! Argh! 498 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:04,920 Love that dancing. 499 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,240 Rach, no phones. 500 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,760 Prithee, good elf - a song? 501 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,320 No, go away. 502 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,520 Squire Paul, fetch my mead. 503 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:16,680 Yes, my liege. Coming! 504 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,240 Oh, spill it not on the floor, dwarf! 505 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,800 I'm sorry. It's just your drinking horn's very tall and thin. 506 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,360 Well, don't blame the horn. 507 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,880 Hey, Cherry, you all right. Bored. How was the undead bit? 508 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:34,160 It's, er... It was pretty dead, ironically. Yeah? 509 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,960 Yeah, well, stay with us in the medieval bit. Ah! 510 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:41,120 Good here, right, babe? Well, the toilets were a bit too medieval, 511 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,120 but the music slaps, yeah. Mega slaps. 512 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,520 Oh, wow. Look at Granny. 513 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,520 It really is like the sword in the stone. 514 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,760 Oh, come on, one of you must be able to open it, surely? 515 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,640 Come forth, the next knight. 516 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,080 Oh, ridiculous. Ha! 517 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,600 He's gone absolutely power mad. Who, Night Claw? 518 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,720 Lee. His name's Lee. He's taking the absolute mick, mate. 519 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:02,000 How come? He's getting drunk and ordering me about, the prat. Whoa. 520 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,960 And who drinks out of a horn? Ridiculous! 521 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,600 I can't put it down anywhere. 522 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,040 Oh, and here come the orcs, look. ROARING 523 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,440 Night Claw! Orc attack! 524 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,760 "ORCS" SNARL AND GROWL 525 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,800 Yes, men of the West! 526 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,920 And...and women of the West. 527 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,400 Die! Suck on that, sunshine. 528 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,600 I'm so glad you're not one of them orcs, Robin. 529 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,440 I won't lie, babe. I was an orc in my 20s. 530 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,840 I went through a orc phase. You remember that, Paulo? 531 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,520 Big time. Yeah. 532 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,520 Whoa! Yes! 533 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:33,080 Oh, Rach, seriously, put it away. I think he's in trouble. 534 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,240 What? Sam. Really? He hasn't moved for an hour. 535 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,880 You mean the tracker hasn't? Mm-hm. 536 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,400 Yeah, they're probably just having a nap, Rachel. Stop spying on him. 537 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,520 No, he's inside a house. Is he? What? Really? Let me see. 538 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,440 What? 539 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,120 Oh. There, look. Oh, yeah. 540 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,560 No, that is quite creepy, 541 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,920 because that's, like, the only house in the whole forest. 542 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,840 I'm sure it's fine. Are you? Why? 543 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,400 If Hansel and Gretel had a tracking tile on them, 544 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,720 that's exactly what you'd see. 545 00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:00,600 Oh, my God! They've been abducted! I bloody knew it! 546 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,480 A psychopath has probably got them in his dungeon. Yeah. 547 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,200 Oh. I seriously doubt he's got a dungeon, Rach. 548 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,080 What sorcery is this? Oh, my God. Take a day off, mate. 549 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,760 Squire Paul! Oh... 550 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,000 Why has your wench still got her phone on her? 551 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,400 Wench? Does he mean me? Well, I did tell her. 552 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,400 Right, you need to turn it off. No... 553 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,440 So turn...it...off! Oi! Whoa, hey... 554 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,920 Piss off, Lee! Whoa! Oh, my God. 555 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,680 Don't tell my mentor to piss off, Rach. 556 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:27,320 My son is in a house in these woods, possibly trapped. 557 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,920 And I don't mean in a make-believe, 558 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,280 "Oh, let's buy costumes off eBay because we hate our jobs" 559 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:36,320 kind of way. This is real. Our REAL son is in REAL danger. 560 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,440 So I don't have to listen to your nerdy little rules 561 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,240 or-or use your nerdy little names. 562 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,840 Either do something to help us 563 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,520 or get back to your am-dram olde-worlde bullshit! 564 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:48,560 Ugh... 565 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,120 MERLIN CLEAR HIS THROAT Oh, Rach... 566 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,200 He's in these woods? Yes, three miles away. 567 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,200 And you said he's in trouble? I think so. 568 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,320 We don't know that. Could be. 569 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,360 Men of the West! 570 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:05,840 Oh! 571 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,960 Prepare a rescue party! 572 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,160 Yeah! Love it! 573 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,200 Whoa, really? 574 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,960 One of our number is being held captive some three miles hence! 575 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,960 Er, might be captive. Probably not captive. 576 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,400 But Night Claw, our permit from the council says 577 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,640 that we must stay within the festival compound. 578 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,400 Well, sod the council, obviously. Aye! 579 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:27,560 Who amongst you will ride out with me? 580 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:31,000 LARPERS CHEER "Ride out"? As in...? 581 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,160 Running off? OK. Yeah. 582 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,160 Come on, let's go. What? Really? 583 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,480 Can't we just stay here and drink mead? 584 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,680 Oh, no! No! It's... What? What? 585 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,840 It's this way! It's this way! 586 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,280 LARPERS CHEER This way, my lord. 587 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,040 Yes! Follow the girl! 588 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,200 Whoo! 589 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,800 Oh, yeah! 590 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,440 Babe, you coming? 591 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,400 I'm not running three miles, Robin. 592 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,200 I don't care how abducted Sam is. 593 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,640 We could follow in my Skoda Enyaq! 594 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:00,640 Oh, good idea, Merlin. I'll just get my gherkins. 595 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,400 Hey-hey! I'll meet you there. 596 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,320 LARPERS CHEER AND SHOUT On to glory! 597 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,080 Whoo! You can slow down a bit. 598 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,160 THEY PANT 599 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,600 Oh, my God. Oh, my... Whoa. 600 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,240 Ah, there it is. Oh. 601 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,200 Oh...oh, God. What? 602 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,920 That's definitely got a dungeon in there. Mm. 603 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:20,480 Squire Paul? My mead. 604 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:21,640 Yes, my liege. Yeah... 605 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,200 You shouldn't be filling it up from a plastic bottle. 606 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,360 Well, what am I supposed to transport the mead in, eh? 607 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:29,760 An even bigger horn? 608 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,520 SUE, Is he still in there, then, Rachel? 609 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:32,800 THEY ALL SHUSH HER Mum! 610 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,680 He's not moved for ages. 611 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,560 He's probably tied to a... Something awful. 612 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,320 A chair, probably. He's not. So what's the plan, then? 613 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:42,600 Right. Right. 614 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,880 We're not going to do anything rash, all right? OK. 615 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,880 We're just going to see if anyone's in and then... 616 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,040 ATTACK! Oh, no! 617 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:50,280 LARPERS ROAR 618 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,600 Lee! Lee! Lee! 619 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,400 Withdraw! Withdraw! 620 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,200 Stop it! It's not our place... Where are you?! 621 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,680 No, no, stop it! LEE ROARS 622 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,280 Oh! Stop hitting the furniture! 623 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,680 Show your face! 624 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:03,280 Oh, my... He's lost it. Rarr! 625 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,720 Oh, that's the toilet. There might be someone in there! 626 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,880 Cover me! Oh... 627 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,600 Er, OK, I think he's all right. 628 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,280 FARMER ROARS Oh, God... 629 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,520 Get out of my house! 630 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,320 What the hell are you doing?! 631 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:17,600 I'm so sorry. 632 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,120 Um...we're his parents. 633 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:23,240 That one, not the other two. Yeah, I'm his granny. 634 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:26,360 Hi, Granny. Hi, Sam. Hi. Hello. Hello, darling. Hi, Sam. 635 00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:29,680 Hi, Mr and Mrs Jessop. Aw, hi, Kai. Hi, Ryan. 636 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,160 We were worried about them, you see? Yeah. Yeah. 637 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:33,840 He's on his D of E. 638 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,240 Meant to be. 639 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,000 Why are you dressed as a dwarf? 640 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,600 I'm not. Oh, my God! 641 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:39,920 I am not a dwarf. 642 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,520 I am a human! A short human. 643 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,760 A short human but, nevertheless, I'm an archer! 644 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,560 We're undead. Wizard. 645 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,560 Yeah, we're a LARPing festival down the road. 646 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:53,000 You can dress up as historical or fantasy characters. Yeah. Yeah. 647 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,160 What? 648 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:55,600 Why? 649 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,720 Well, you know, nerds gonna nerd. 650 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:01,200 More to the point, why is our son in your house? Yeah. 651 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,160 He's meant to be hiking to a campsite. 652 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:07,040 They got lost. Found them bothering the sheep. 653 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,560 Huh. 654 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,720 I was going to give him a lift once they'd eaten something. 655 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,720 Well, I hardly think that's what the Duke of Edinburgh intended 656 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,920 when he established the award. 657 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,320 Well, I think it's OK. I don't think he's going to find out now, is he? 658 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,240 No. No, not now, no. He's dead. Well, yeah, but... I mean... 659 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:22,680 Well, yeah, er...um... 660 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,800 Well, and, actually, thank you for feeding them. Um... 661 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,520 And sorry for barging into your house like this. So sorry. 662 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,880 Mum... Mm? ..how did you know I was here? 663 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,520 That's a fair question. How did I know you were here? Rach? 664 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,840 I put a tracking tile in your bag. 665 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:41,400 What? I did, yeah. 666 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,840 Because you wouldn't take the first-aid kit 667 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:45,200 or the survival shovel, 668 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,560 so, you know... No, it's because you're a lunatic. 669 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:51,320 Well, a combination of the two, maybe, but... 670 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:52,760 OK. Don't. 671 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,680 LEE MOANS 672 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,040 PAUL CHUCKLES 673 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,960 Yeah... Mm. 674 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,520 I'll get him out of here. 675 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,400 I am sorry, Sam. 676 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:04,920 I really am. 677 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,000 I'm 16 now. Yeah. 678 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,480 You've got to trust me. No, I know. 679 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,640 I mean, obviously to me you're still only about nine, 680 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:16,080 but I-I will try in future, I promise. 681 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:22,520 So does that mean me, Ryan and Kai can go to Corfu this summer? 682 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,920 KAI AND RYAN GUFFAW I'm flying! 683 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,000 Fu... 684 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,720 No, of course not. OK. 685 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,480 Sam? Hmm? Where's this campsite, then? 686 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:36,080 Er, it's about eight miles that way. I think. Why? 687 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:37,600 I loved D of E back in the day. 688 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,240 Look, we'll take you there. Wait, what? In your car? 689 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,120 No, we'll hike it. I'm absolutely jacked after that. 690 00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:45,920 I need to burn off the adrenaline. 691 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,080 Oh, I'm so happy that you booked this. 692 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,760 I think I just drank too much mead. 693 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:53,640 I know, I know. 694 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,360 That stuff's so sweet, you forget it's alcoholic. Yeah. 695 00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:57,720 It's the original alcopop. 696 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,160 I should have just listened to you, Paul. 697 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,080 Yes, you should. Yes, you should. 698 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,400 You shouldn't make quick decisions by yourself. 699 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,040 Always call for backup. 700 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:11,440 A very promising young police officer taught me that. 701 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,600 You. 702 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,120 Oh, God! 703 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,920 Aww. 704 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,480 It's OK. 705 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,800 Robin? Yo? Robin. Yo? 706 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,800 Have you seen my gherks? Oh, did you leave them inside? 707 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,240 Oh, yeah, I think I did. The kitchen! 708 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,720 Sorry. Excuse me. Hmm? But have you seen my gherkins? My jar of... 709 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:32,960 What? THEY GASP 710 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,760 No way. 711 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,800 Behold - the chosen one! 712 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,760 Can you get out of my house, please? Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. 713 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,480 Robin! Yo? 714 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,120 It's happening. "It"? It's happening. 715 00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:46,760 It's, er... What, as in....? 716 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:50,040 It's happening! Oh, God! Oh, my God! 717 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:51,480 OK, I'm on it! 718 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,960 Um, is anyone here a doctor?! 719 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,280 What? Why? 720 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,080 Yes, I'm a doctor. 721 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,320 Er... But an orc doctor 722 00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:03,040 or a real doctor? 723 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,360 WELL-Well, I'm a consultant orthopaedic surgeon 724 00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:08,200 at Milton Keynes University Hospital. Are you?! 725 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:09,560 Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting that. 726 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,560 Come on, quick! Oh, right! My wife's about to give birth! 727 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:12,800 Oh, gosh, is she? 728 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,640 Got one, Chez. 729 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,680 No, not an orc! Don't worry, I'm going to look after you. 730 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,840 Everything's going to be tickety boo. 731 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,240 Can you take the face off, please? 732 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:25,080 Because I do not want my baby being delivered by an orc. 733 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:26,360 Yeah, mask off, brother. 734 00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:30,440 Of course, of course. Ha-ha! By the way, I'm Sebastian. 735 00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:33,240 Ha-hey, we're having a baby! Whoo! 736 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,720 Do you want me to film the birth, babe, or...? No! OK. 737 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:38,760 MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS